I'm not too sure why, but the Lord has really blessed me with an awesome community of people back home. Over the years I've had lots of friends tell me that they look up to me and I've had some of my own leaders tell me that I'm just a natural leader. Before I headed off to Hawaii, I had a lot of my friends tell me how much they look up to me and that I inspire them. I'm not saying this to glorify myself, in fact I don't enjoy talking about it. I don't see any of the people I'm friends with as followers, I see them all as my friends and I always will. I say all of that simply to glorify my God. I would not be even half the guy I am without him, he has blessed me with my community at home. I look to Jesus as an example of how to love my peers and that's what I give credit to for the people that look up to me. The night before I left was when it really hit me how awesome God is for surrounding me with the people he has. My best buddy Brandt had spent all evening with me while I packed and we spent the whole night talking. We always joke about crying in front of each other because we never have, yet we're both such emotional people. That night, we thought that when we hugged each other goodbye we would finally see each other cry. The time came and we hugged tight and both got choked up, but the tears never came. We said "I love you" and then turned our backs. I walked back in my house and had a nice little sob, not too hard, just a good amount of tears. About 5 minutes later it was 2:30 a.m. and my phone started to ring. I looked down at the screen to realize it was Brandt. I answered with a puzzled tone. He responded with a tone I hadn't heard from him before, "I had to pull over, I can't see." I put it together pretty quickly, he had been crying. He proceeded to tell me that he looks up to me and that I've inspired him to live a better life and to have a closer relationship with Jesus. He also told me that he is amazed with how many people look up to me and how he has never seen someone have so many fruitful relationships in their life. He had a lot more to say, but that was the basis. At this point I was on the floor on my knees sobbing. He might not know it, but Jesus was speaking through him. Now, I say all of that to tell the people that look up to me and see my life and that want to live a similar life, that yes my life is beautiful and great but I also want to tell you about my struggles. It's not all fun and games, even though it may look like that. This summer has been the hardest yet, having to say goodbye to a lot of my best friends for a good amount of time. It was pretty hard to say goodbye to them, but I think it was the hardest after. I've always been a generally happy person and everyone that knows me, knows this is a true statement. I also absolutely love to be around people. After I said goodbye to my friends, I noticed that both of those things began to change. I started to feel unhappy and the thought of being around people just made me feel anxious. I got pretty good at hiding it and I never really knew what was going on. Of course, I couldn't hide it completely and it began to affect some of my friendships. One of my close friends sat me down one day and asked me about how I have been feeling, I told her a little bit about what I was feeling and she suggested that I maybe was depressed. Being the over exuberant person I usually am, I rejected the idea and pushed it away completely. Over about a month, the idea never really left the back of my mind. I never really talked to anyone about it in fear that the idea of depression would become a reality to me. Around that same time my church was beginning a new series on emotions, and one of the topics was set to be about depression. When the service about depression came along I was actually anxious to hear more about it and to see if finally I could hear something that I could relate to. The service wasn't one of those breakthrough moments for me where I found the cure I needed. To tell you the truth, there was no cure for it. My awesome pastor Chad Bruegman shared about his own personal battle with depression and I related to pretty much everything he said about depression. After talking about how depression can affect a person, Chad talked about how really the only thing to do is to hold onto the truths we already know about God. It's really hard to feel the presence of God when you are depressed, so it's hard to know when he's moving in you. Looking back on my life at all of Gods promises he's kept and all of the amazing things he's done for me is really the only thing that can give me a good push forward. Coming to Hawaii I really hoped that my depression would be cured and that it might go away. It's been four weeks here and it's still not gone away. I have learned something else though. Even though I can't feel God moving in me I can see him doing things in my life. The first week I had a few random people want to pray for me. Two separate individuals told me that God wanted to tell me that he's proud of me. Three other separate people told me that the power of God was overwhelming in me, and that time it was all in one night. Through the past four weeks God has used things and people around me to show me that he is still working in my life. I went to coffee with my new buddy MJ and I shared my testimony with her, I ended talking about where I'm at in life right now and how my heart is doing. When I shared about my depression she began to tell me it's something she has studied about. MJ proceeded to tell me about a gift she has where God will give her something to write out, then she shared one of her writings with me...
"I guess I have always had knowledge of the following idea but I'm not sure it has ever truly revealed itself to me until now. That God has been just as present and just as real and just as by my side whether I was at winter camp, or if I felt completely alone and scared, or right in this exact moment. No matter how much I've felt like I am in a grand desert, and as much as I thirst and I see no water, or if there is water and I simply do not know how to drink of it, or if I am sinking within the water. God does not depend on my feelings or even my thirst for His water. He is just as present now then he has ever been and ever will be in my life. I have access to Him at all time at any moment. Because God is completely outside of time and thus I should be all that much more reassured in His promise. What a freeing idea. I would lay awake in bed just crying out to feel His presence to just be reassured that He has not forsaken me. What an incredible lack of faith. Faith is ruling out your emotions, no matter how real they may be. It is, to trust completely in something even if, at that moment, there is no evidence of its existence. God does not suddenly appear at my call, nor does He leave when I am lost in temptation. Maybe God has withheld my ability to feel His presence because He wants me to learn to trust him even against everything within me that does not trust. He is there. He is there in the quiet. Teach us how to follow. Even in the quiet I will know that you are there. You are there. I know you are there..... "In the quiet" by Will Reagan
Thank you for opening my eyes to you Lord... Not just savior. But Lord. Meaning you are outside of anything I am or could be. That I submit to you because you are Lord always. You are alpha and Omega. You are the I AM"
When she shared that with me it was a confirmation of how God was showing me that even though I can't feel him he is still working. I'm not sure how many people reading this have ever dealt with depression or if they are dealing with it right now, but I want to be a testimony to help them move on. For my friends and family reading this, this might come as a shock to read this. I'm not in this world to live for myself. I'm going to share the story of my life because I know it will bring glory to my God and bring people closer to him. I will even share the dark times of my life because even they can bring him glory.
"I guess I have always had knowledge of the following idea but I'm not sure it has ever truly revealed itself to me until now. That God has been just as present and just as real and just as by my side whether I was at winter camp, or if I felt completely alone and scared, or right in this exact moment. No matter how much I've felt like I am in a grand desert, and as much as I thirst and I see no water, or if there is water and I simply do not know how to drink of it, or if I am sinking within the water. God does not depend on my feelings or even my thirst for His water. He is just as present now then he has ever been and ever will be in my life. I have access to Him at all time at any moment. Because God is completely outside of time and thus I should be all that much more reassured in His promise. What a freeing idea. I would lay awake in bed just crying out to feel His presence to just be reassured that He has not forsaken me. What an incredible lack of faith. Faith is ruling out your emotions, no matter how real they may be. It is, to trust completely in something even if, at that moment, there is no evidence of its existence. God does not suddenly appear at my call, nor does He leave when I am lost in temptation. Maybe God has withheld my ability to feel His presence because He wants me to learn to trust him even against everything within me that does not trust. He is there. He is there in the quiet. Teach us how to follow. Even in the quiet I will know that you are there. You are there. I know you are there..... "In the quiet" by Will Reagan
Thank you for opening my eyes to you Lord... Not just savior. But Lord. Meaning you are outside of anything I am or could be. That I submit to you because you are Lord always. You are alpha and Omega. You are the I AM"
When she shared that with me it was a confirmation of how God was showing me that even though I can't feel him he is still working. I'm not sure how many people reading this have ever dealt with depression or if they are dealing with it right now, but I want to be a testimony to help them move on. For my friends and family reading this, this might come as a shock to read this. I'm not in this world to live for myself. I'm going to share the story of my life because I know it will bring glory to my God and bring people closer to him. I will even share the dark times of my life because even they can bring him glory.